Mom . . . Dad . . . we need to talk. And by “we,” I mean I’m going to talk, and you’re just going to agree with everything I say and follow my advice forevermore. And by “talk” I mean I’m going to write a public column on SlashGear, and hopefully you won’t really read it, because you’ve always taken my sardonic humor as just a little too mean. Anyway, I love you both, but it’s time to have a technology intervention. I’m going to keep this simple and easy. But if something doesn’t change, I just don’t know if I can provide the kind of technology support you need anymore.

I know more than anyone else you know

I know, I didn’t get a degree in Computer Science. You have no idea where I learned all of this stuff, and I could hardly explain it either. Mostly, it comes from making a lot of mistakes, and then begging smart, vicious people to help me. I know I can sound exasperated walking you through tech problems, but if I’ve never told you to RTFM and compared you to Hitler, trust me it could be much worse. That said, before you ask anyone else for advice about anything, ask me.

“Stop asking these people for help. They are only making it worse”

I know more about technology than any retail employee you will encounter anywhere. I know more than the folks at the Verizon store. I know more than the folks at Best Buy. I know more than half of the people at the cable company; anybody not issued a crimper is beneath my technical knowledge. Stop asking these people for help. They are only making it worse.

I know the guy at Verizon offered to help sync all your contacts from your old SIM card, but I might have a better way. And no more signing contract agreements without getting a nice phone subsidy coming your way. I know you bought your computer at Best Buy, but this isn’t a car dealership. Those folks probably know less about your gear than any other type of repair shop you’ll encounter.

When your cable company tells you there is no problem with your Internet service, then suggests you stop by to pick up a newer, more expensive router with wireless built in, call me first. I may know a trick or two.

SlashGear